When I was a kid, exams were a nightmare. The teachers would shout the marks from the table for all to hear, and the kids had to do a walk of shame down the aisle to grab their answer sheets. Social anxiety really spiced up the moment for me. I’d imagine the room growing eerily silent; audible gasps as they call out my score and eyes peering into my soul. It would’ve been the greatest cinematic experience of my life if I was watching it on a screen; not so much when actually going through it.
But as I grew up I had a great revelation that changed my entire perspective-Nobody gives a shit about you. While you were too busy mapping possible exit routes to run away, others were receiving their paper. Guess what? You didn’t give a crap about them. They’re not gonna care about you at all! This revelation changed my life forever. By 11th grade, I gained enough confidence to flunk a test completely without a care in the world. This might not mean much to you. But for me, it was a stepping stone towards accepting who I truly am: a complete idiot.
Exams get fun when you start noticing things you didn’t earlier as a nerd. For example, you have to read the book before the exam; and by read I mean absorb the words into your soul like a maniac cult member chanting their holy verses. You thought that line mentioning the exact depth of Spongebob’s home under the sea to 10 decimal places was not important? Well, think again! If you read the Constitution with the same attention, you could actually become a lawyer. I’ve discovered that simply skimming through the text gives you a solid F for ‘Fantastic!’ so I always stick to that strategy now.
No matter how loyal your friends are, never trust them when they say they “didn’t study”. It’s human nature to want to fit into the rest of the crowd; until you realize there isn’t a crowd and it’s just you with a failing grade and very angry teachers to look forward to. It’s always the opposite for me. I always say I studied; the confidence is too intimidating for everyone. I just wish the intimidation could be reflected on the paper. Once the results drop, everyone gets a good grade. You’d think they’d stop complaining now. Nope. It’s just the beginning. Now you have to witness your friends complain about their grades as you sulk into the background with each person that comes, knowing you didn’t score remotely close to any of them. I won’t blame them; I actually understand where they’re coming from. All I have to say is sometimes, murder is okay. Like Red said, “Hope is a dangerous thing”. Hoping someone shares the same misfortunes that you face is a horribly selfish wish that God rightfully doesn't grant.
The worst part about me now is the urgency always seems lacking. I remember studying on the day of the test once. It’s like the fight-or-flight response got replaced by a “well guess I’ll just die then” response. Even during the test, the last possible stage of redemption, with a chance of a Hail Mary always around the corner, I still won’t put any effort. Let’s be serious here, I’m definitely too tired to somehow come up with a 5-page long answer to a question that basically says “Draw a graph” (True story). Even the teacher didn’t put any effort into making that. Why should I? In the end, even if my test questions remain unanswered, I always receive the answer to this question when the grades come in.
I take full blame for the mess I get myself in. That’s the good thing about me: I always take the blame and never point fingers; even if it comes at the cost of lack of self-confidence and severe anxiety. I should’ve listened to 8 hours of class with full attention. I should’ve studied everything the same day at the cost of my social life. I should’ve mugged up all the things I’ll never use in my life(I’m looking at you, history. You’re fun but you’re a little too old for this.) and basically rewrite the entire text again. I should’ve known my friends would somehow get great grades even if they didn’t study. Most importantly, I should know I’m way past caring for all the unnecessary hassle I put myself through every second of my life in the name of a ‘test’.
